stream writing #1

my brain feels full for some reason, like my head is full of air and there's no intelligent thoughts anywhere. id like to think but each thought i have gets cut off and replace by a void or space that feels hard to fill. why? why is this the case? eh who's to say. the only thing i can do is sit here and accept it. it's rough but alas, so are most things. i wish i could bring myself to do the things in my life i truy wanna do instead of sitting in my bed all day and doing nothing of value, it's been a constant problem for the past couple of months but reccently it's felt very... wrong? i cant properly explain but i think there's a level of guilt and regret in my stomach bubbling for no real reason. i feel very alone and isolated with my thoughts so it feels like i dont have many people i can properly talk about this stuff with without feeling like im a complete burden on them and its a problem. i don't like the idea of a virtual therapist so i don't really wanna deal with that because 1) i feel id get distracted more 2) i wouldn't take it as serious. i've done my fair share of therapy and unfortunately i think doing it irl would be the best course of action because of everything surrounding me and my life. i dont wanna go into details but i feel like im in a really bad spot, the worse ive felt mentally in months, the most physical pain ive felt and ive done nothing to help improve it because i can't find it within myself to care enough to find anything that could possibly help. i want to get better but everything i'm dealing with isn't helping on top of other factors that depress me more than words can say. it all kinda sucks a lot. i don't really care that nobody reads this blog or anything like that because i like writing it and it helps me motivate to do better, so i can have stuff to talk about but i don't really know what to do that's not repetitive or boring, like i read another manga? cool man i did that for 3 posts in a row. i like hololive? i got another handpuppet! cool man, can't wait to read and type that next post. it feels kinda boring and lame that i'm doing all of this, but i don't really know what else to post, i don't really know anything else. every day i have a goal in my mind of what i'm going to do and i never end up doing it and it kinda sucks, this has been happening for the past couple of years and i wish i set myself up for a goal that sounds believable but i don't know how long things are going to be mentally because it all sucks a bunch. i have no motivation to do anything i like unless i force myself to do it and that's one of the worst feelings ever. i like doing stuff and i wanna do it, but i just cant on my own for some reason. i heard somewhere that this is a sign of depression but idk if thats it. it feels too farfetched for it to be something like that, at least conclusively. this type of stuff sucks, a lot. im trying to find ways of dealing with it but mentally i feel so stuck because the progress isn't immediate how i want it to be. i feel so childish and lame as a result. i feel it's my biggest disadvantage, mentally being childish. i don't think im inheritely a rude person but i feel being honest and "saying how it is" does lead to a lot of problems because i don't have a way of talking "normally" or filtered, and i find it really hard to do stuff like this. i always wanted to feel "normal" growing up because of how i am being a problem in my life but i could never adapt and it still kinda bugs me to this day. i wish people would also have some courtesy to understand but that's me getting way too ahead of myself. its hard to explain without getting into specifics but its late and i really don't wanna do that. i feel i could go on this stuff endlessly but i feel i'd repeat myself a bunch. i guess the biggest draw from all of this is that i want it to be 2022 again even though i'm viewing that through huge rose tinted glasses but i mostly just miss being inspired by art that i'm still CURRENTLY inspired by, i just don't stop to think about it. i guess i have to start working on my art again, something i haven't in a while. i miss being inspired by art and to make dumb silly edits myself. very fun thing to do. i don't know what else to really write right now but i felt i've been needing to get that off my chest for a while.

im gonna re-do my blogger profile, it's old and outdated, blegh. see you all on the next post.

april 15th, 2026

been a while since i wrote a post so im going to sit down and finally do it. a lot of irl stuff has happened so i havent found the time or motivation to write a post (which sucks) but if i wrote a post it wouldve sucked a lot, so its good im doing a lot better. i was out earlier and i should've gotten an energy drink lmaooo, craving an alani. ive been drinking them a lot at work recently because they taste really good. i absolutely love the cosmic stardust flavor, it reminds me a lot of a grape sucker and i can probably drink like 2-3 in a row if i wanted to. will i? its not advised but god does it taste good. it's been a while since ive indulged in energy drinks to this extent, at least talking about it. i love most energy drinks (except redbull and celcius lol) so im always happy to try a new one. i dont even drink them for the "energy" aspect, i just really love the taste. my favorite energy drink is probably alani. cherry slush, pink slush, the aforementioned cosmic stardust, blue slush and hawaiian shaved ice are all so so good. i can pick up at any time of the day and down it, beautiful taste. though i should probably watch my sugar intake but eh. i remember what wonhee from illit said one time, it's not a bad meal if you're happy, and i get happy when i drink alani!

i havent been reading much manga as of late, which is lame. i dropped I Want This Love Game To End because i wasn't reading it enough, like it's been almost a month since i read the last volume and had 0 interest in reading more so i just ultimately decided to drop it and pick up another manga. i recently acquired like 75 gigs of manga so im pretty excited to get thru that. it's going to take, so so long, but i feel it'll be slightly worth it. the next manga i wanna read is A Silent Voice as it's piqued my interest for a while now but i haven't actually read it because i know i'll just end up feeling terrible or some stupidly strong emotion which i probably need because those are my favorite type of stories, even thinking about the story is making me feel sad lmao, i can't imagine reading it. i have the hololive holoearth manga in print so i want to read that pretty soon (i thought about starting it after finishing this post actually) so that'll be fun. i didn't even know there was a hololive manga at first but im glad there was because it looks really fun! it stars fubuki and mio, two members of gamers who are my favorite unit and all members are my oshi (korone <3)! so im super excited to read it but theres no new chapters until july because that's when volume 3 comes out but that has miko in it! i love miko. i love her voice, its super cute and i love the duo between her and suisei because they seem very close which is awesome, i love close duos. anyways, back to manga, i wanna start reading One Piece too, though i feel that'll be very daunting because of how long it is, 1170+ chapters! wow! i still haven't even finished Dragon Ball yet lol. there's so much stuff to read lol, i might dedicate tomorrow and thursday to reading manga / watching hololive stuff. 

hololive! lot of stuff has happened in the past week regarding hololive being in my life, to note the previously mentioned holoearth manga and owning it in person, it's super cool! i love flipping thru the pages because the art is high quality so it's really fun. i can't wait to actually read it. what else... hmm??? oh! i finally listened to a full length album by a EN member, Kiara's Vogelfrei album and it's SUPER SUPER GOOD. i love every song on it and i'm currently listening to it right now as i'm typing this! it reminds me a lot of late 2022 and early 2023 kpop so i'm naturally very positive towards it. my favorite songs on it are probably Ego or Manifest, both are fun and cute songs! i still haven't watched a hololive concert which is upsetting me because there's so much i wanna watch a lot of them. i wanna watch a suisei one, a holoen one and fuwamoco's birthday party because it looks amazing! i love fuwamoco so much. theyre super adorable. i think after some thinking im pretty sure advent is my favorite holoEN unit. they're all super fun to watch. i recently started watching shiori and she might be one of my en oshis (as well as gigi, fuwamoco and cecilia). actually fun thing that happened, i was watching shiori play LA Noire and ive been wanting to join her membership for a bit so i bit the bullet and got it and like 30 seconds later i heard "saku welcome" and it completely caught me off guard. i didnt know they acknowledge when people join memberships but im still pretty happy regardless, i was already planning on joining. here's the clip! i'm very happy hololive is in my life, a lot of joy has been sparked as a result and it's incredible. i love it all so so much. i also got a miko hand puppet! look!

i even it next to korone so she has a friend. i love this design a lot. i love their eyes and how their arms are pointing out when theyre not connected and i love how easy it is to use them.

that's really all i have to say for right now, it's getting late and i can't really think of what else i could write here without repeating myself so i'll just cut it short here and say manga and hololive are awesome. very happy theyre both in my life. catch yall on the next post! it wont be 3 weeks from now, promise. it'll also be longer.