my brain feels full for some reason, like my head is full of air and there's no intelligent thoughts anywhere. id like to think but each thought i have gets cut off and replace by a void or space that feels hard to fill. why? why is this the case? eh who's to say. the only thing i can do is sit here and accept it. it's rough but alas, so are most things. i wish i could bring myself to do the things in my life i truy wanna do instead of sitting in my bed all day and doing nothing of value, it's been a constant problem for the past couple of months but reccently it's felt very... wrong? i cant properly explain but i think there's a level of guilt and regret in my stomach bubbling for no real reason. i feel very alone and isolated with my thoughts so it feels like i dont have many people i can properly talk about this stuff with without feeling like im a complete burden on them and its a problem. i don't like the idea of a virtual therapist so i don't really wanna deal with that because 1) i feel id get distracted more 2) i wouldn't take it as serious. i've done my fair share of therapy and unfortunately i think doing it irl would be the best course of action because of everything surrounding me and my life. i dont wanna go into details but i feel like im in a really bad spot, the worse ive felt mentally in months, the most physical pain ive felt and ive done nothing to help improve it because i can't find it within myself to care enough to find anything that could possibly help. i want to get better but everything i'm dealing with isn't helping on top of other factors that depress me more than words can say. it all kinda sucks a lot. i don't really care that nobody reads this blog or anything like that because i like writing it and it helps me motivate to do better, so i can have stuff to talk about but i don't really know what to do that's not repetitive or boring, like i read another manga? cool man i did that for 3 posts in a row. i like hololive? i got another handpuppet! cool man, can't wait to read and type that next post. it feels kinda boring and lame that i'm doing all of this, but i don't really know what else to post, i don't really know anything else. every day i have a goal in my mind of what i'm going to do and i never end up doing it and it kinda sucks, this has been happening for the past couple of years and i wish i set myself up for a goal that sounds believable but i don't know how long things are going to be mentally because it all sucks a bunch. i have no motivation to do anything i like unless i force myself to do it and that's one of the worst feelings ever. i like doing stuff and i wanna do it, but i just cant on my own for some reason. i heard somewhere that this is a sign of depression but idk if thats it. it feels too farfetched for it to be something like that, at least conclusively. this type of stuff sucks, a lot. im trying to find ways of dealing with it but mentally i feel so stuck because the progress isn't immediate how i want it to be. i feel so childish and lame as a result. i feel it's my biggest disadvantage, mentally being childish. i don't think im inheritely a rude person but i feel being honest and "saying how it is" does lead to a lot of problems because i don't have a way of talking "normally" or filtered, and i find it really hard to do stuff like this. i always wanted to feel "normal" growing up because of how i am being a problem in my life but i could never adapt and it still kinda bugs me to this day. i wish people would also have some courtesy to understand but that's me getting way too ahead of myself. its hard to explain without getting into specifics but its late and i really don't wanna do that. i feel i could go on this stuff endlessly but i feel i'd repeat myself a bunch. i guess the biggest draw from all of this is that i want it to be 2022 again even though i'm viewing that through huge rose tinted glasses but i mostly just miss being inspired by art that i'm still CURRENTLY inspired by, i just don't stop to think about it. i guess i have to start working on my art again, something i haven't in a while. i miss being inspired by art and to make dumb silly edits myself. very fun thing to do. i don't know what else to really write right now but i felt i've been needing to get that off my chest for a while.
im gonna re-do my blogger profile, it's old and outdated, blegh. see you all on the next post.
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